In this video, I’ll teach you a fool-proof 5 steps method to finally let go when people say or do nasty things!
People sometimes say and do bad things to each other. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don’t. In any case you may feel hurt when this happens to you. This pain can be caused by someone very close to you emotionally, like a partner, friend or family members. Also, it can be caused by someone not very close to you emotionally, but still present in your life, such as someone from your workplace or your day-to-day life. Lastly, it can be caused even by a complete stranger, such as a random person in the streets. People say and do bad things that can hurt each other, and this can happen regardless of their degree of closeness.
Depending on your personality, different degrees of closeness with the person causing the pain can have a different impact. A more emotionally-sane type of individual feels more hurt by a close person than by a total stranger. Emotionally damaged people, on the other hand, care little about emotional closeness and are more concerned with their status than their emotions. For them respect and admiration from total strangers are more important than family.
If you are emotionally sane, chances are that you are also very sensitive, which means that inevitably, you’ll end up getting hurt by people’s actions and words, at some point in life. And, as it happens, you might carry this pain with you, even long after someone hurt you. Days, months, years go by, and the pain is still with you, triggered every time you think about that person, or someone mentions them, or worse, you bump into that person in real life. You keep carrying this burden with you and you don’t know how to deal with it, let alone heal from it.
But worry not because if you follow what I’m about to share with you, I guarantee that you’ll be able to let go of this pain once and for all. Not only will this help you heal from previous pain inflicted by others in the past. It will also protect you from new attacks that may occur in the future.
5 Steps to learn how to let go when someone causes pain in you
1. Make a commitment
The first step sounds very simple, but is probably the hardest of them all. We humans have a natural tendency to self-sabotage and to process negative thoughts more intensely than neutral or positive ones. It’s something that psychologists call “negative bias”. Hence this task, which is a positive process, requires your total focus and dedication. You need to make a conscious decision that from now on, you are going to try to let go of this pain and you will have to own this decision 100%, and stick with it. It will have to become a mission for you. If you skip this step, you’ll likely never be able to let go.
Some people even end up falling in love in with the pain and use that as some kind of tool to attract attention or manipulate people. Somehow they become addicted to the drama caused by the person inflicting the pain, as it makes them feel part of something, involved in something. It’s almost as by being victim of this pain, their life becomes more interesting. It is easy to fall into this trap. You say that you want to let go and forgive, but you don’t really want to, because somehow you like it. If you don’t make the decision of letting go for real, no one else can make this decision for you.
2. Own your own pain
In this second step, you will need to realize something important. Most people never own their own pain, because they attribute it to the cause, in this case the person causing the pain. But if you don’t own your pain you won’t be able to let go of it. How can you let go of something that that you don’t even own in the first place? In order to let go you need to understand it, and to understand it you need to become familiar with it. You will have to become comfortable with it. It needs to be accepted as a part of you, even if it was caused by somebody else,
To solve this dilemma you will only need to understand one important thing. The cause of the pain and the pain itself are two separate things. If we attribute your pain to the person causing it, it is like saying that the energy from the food you eat is still a property of the person who cooked the food, even after you’ve eaten it and digested it. But how can this possibly be? The energy from the food is yours and can only be yours. Ultimately, no matter where the pain originates from, it is created into you and grows into you only. And as it lives into you, it can only die from inside of you. No external force, no matter how strong, can make it die from inside of you.
3. Stop making movies
This is something extremely significant that needs to be understood well. The only moment that truly exists in reality as we know it is right now. There’s no other way to see it. This sounds abstract, but it’s actually very practical advice that can truly be a game-changer in your mission to let go of the pain caused by people. When someone triggered the creation of pain in you, that event was in the past. Its effects are still real in the present, but the birth of the pain was in the past, which no longer exists. Similarly, the future has not happened yet, and in fact, will never happen, because it will always exist in your mind only.
Ask yourself: if you were to live with your mind in the present moment fully, would you be able to feel pain at all? It is likely that your pain is only triggered when you think about that person, when you see them, or when you recall the moment they have hurt you. This moment however, does not exist any longer. It was real only in the exact moment when you lived it, when that person did or said something that hurt you. That was the only time you could actually feel real pain. Since then, your mind has just been recreating this scene, perhaps in different ways every time, just like in a movie. Ultimately, if pain has dragged on for days, months or years, it’s only because you’ve been re-enacting it over and over again. The past and the future exists as projections your mind. Your mind is similar to a movie projector, and the past and the future are always on!
4. Be compassionate
To learn how to let go of the pain caused by others you will need to learn compassion. The term compassion comes from latin (cum-patire), which literally means: “to feel together“. In other words, you will have to feel what everything around you feels, including what the person that caused you pain feels. This is also known as “empathy”. Whether it was deliberate or not, if someone hurt you it’s never their fault alone. People that hurt others are simply just expressing their own pain and suffering, in some way or another. Someone else must have hurt them before they did the same to you.
The best way to learn to be compassionate is to focus your mind on the present. It is a fairly natural process to be an empath if you live in the present totally. For example, you may hate someone for what they’ve said or done in the past, or for what they could do in the future, but you can never hate someone if you live in the present. Try if you want, you won’t be able to! If you live in the present totally, you can only experience 2 different interactions, or “ways to be” with someone:
- To be disconnected
- To “feel together”, to be compassionate (in the literal sense).
Both types of interactions are okay spiritually because they are pure and authentic, as they happen in the present. Both compassion for someone and disconnection from someone will help you releasing the pain that they caused in you. However, if you truly want to let go of the pain, choose compassion over disconnection, as only with compassion the process can be completed.
5. Light The Fire of Forgiveness
The last step of the let-go process is forgiveness, which can only result from compassion, and never from disconnection. Forgiveness is the active form of compassion, and it stems from the soul of a truly spiritual person who has reached a deeper understanding of life. The word “forgive” is very beautiful. It is composed of two parts: For and Give. That reads as: “to give for”. The true meaning of forgiving is simply to give for what you receive, regardless of whether you receive joy, pain, or even indifference. Forgiving is simply an unconditional act that cannot originate as a reaction to anything, because a reaction changes depending on what you receive. Forgiveness never changes its quality depending on anything. Forgiveness is ultimate ownership of your own emotions. When you learn to forgive, you take back control on how anything that anyone in this world can say or do to you will make you feel.
I want you to imagine forgiveness like a fire, a perpetual fire that is constantly burning, and one which the most violent storm cannot estinguish. The fire of forgiveness is needed to burn your ego. Only from the ashes of your own ego you can complete the process of letting go. The ego is an obsolete shell that you need to get rid of to finally experience life in its purity and bliss. Start by forgiving yourself for having created the pain that you have had to endure. Whoever said or did something wrong matters little, because you are the primary source of this pain. You will see how easy it will be to forgive others once you have truly forgiven yourself. From here on out, I hardly think you will ever be able to experience pain when someone tries to hurt you with their actions or words.
Now that you’re ready to go away and follow these 5 steps one by one, remember one important thing: the first 3 steps of this process are designed for you to dominate your own mind, by understanding the nature of your own pain. However they are not sufficient for you to let go completely. For such thing to happen, you will need to become more spiritual. Not many people are ready to become spiritual, because in order to do that, the ego must go. Most people never make it past the first 3 steps because they simply cannot burst their own ego bubble. But the true treasure lies beyond the end of your nose. When you become spiritual, it’s not just about you anymore. It becomes about everything. In fact, it’s about everything else but you.
It is important to follow all 5 steps to truly let go, or else the process will stay in a suspended state indefinitely, and the pain felt can reawaken. If the process stops at step 3, the pain can relapse quite easily because of the lack of spiritual awareness. Additionally, new attacks from the same or other individuals can trigger additional pain, because such process lacks spiritual depth without step 4 and 5. If step 4 is completed but following the disconnection path instead of compassion, the pain process will be dormant. While pain from a single episode caused by the same individual cannot be reactivated or re-created (as you are disconnected), new episodes of pain can occur due to actions or words of other individuals.